Question: I have sometimes that I keep on reminding myself from old embarrassing stories which I had, and each time anew I become embarrassed with myself and go thru the Bushos again. What is the Torah way to deal with such thoughts, what should I do when such stories show up in my mind?
Answer: Now, I hope this person has a sense of humor. The first thing I’d like to tell you is: “Well, let’s face it, you ARE a rotten nobody! Let’s face reality! You’re not worth a penny! You're a schnook! It would have been better if you were never born! You're one of the lowest and worst people that ever lived...” I’m saying this all in a joke. There are people who need to tell themselves these things, in order to awaken a sense of humor in their lives. It’s very powerful.
The real truth is, that your problem is just a bunch of hot air. The past is dead. You don’t get involved in the past. In the Kodesh HaKodoshim there are K'ruvim, which are comprised of wings (like a Nesher – eagle) and faces of little kids. What is the common dominator between them? A little kid symbolizes: “We’re starting now. There’s no past”. And the name “Nesher” means “the old wings fall off” (= Nosher). Shouldn’t it have been called something positive; a name which means growing NEW wings! No. SHEDDING THE PAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. That’s why it’s called Nesher. The past has to be buried.
A person like you is a very noble person. You are a person who has depth. A person who has responsibility. A person who has a conscience. You're not one of these “Kal” (low) people; you're a person who is real. You're a Torah type of person, a real Jewish Heilige Neshama. We’re proud of you. But you have a Yetzer Hara. It’s a Yetzer Hara to continue doing that, and you need to make a conscious effort to get it out of your system. Laugh your head off, and say: “Who cares? Now I'm great”. Keep lying. (You don’t have to lie, you're great already; Mandel says).
If you can’t help it, then be Mispallel. And if you are stuck, then that’s Yissurim, and Yissurim take away all your sins. So have some bad thoughts, nothing wrong. So you feel embarrassed. It’s going to kill you?? So you blush. So what? Every time you blush, you lost your whole Gehinom. So the more blushing, the better. So keep the blushing business. So keep freaking out. Accept yourself, and say: “I'm a blushing maniac”. “I'm a blush freak”. It’s a plus. Now you are guaranteed that you have all the Bizyonos that you can use. I have a friend for you, R' Nosson Wachtfogel, R' Gershon Liebman, who loved Bizyonos all their lives; they used to get themselves embarrassed. They weren’t alone, a lot of Chasidishe Rebbes did it too. The biggest guns in Klal Yisroel were busy with that. So, you're one of them. Enjoy it. And you're losing all your sins.
But that’s only if you don’t have a choice, and that’s the situation. Ideally, try to get rid of it. Start recording all the good things that you did. Say: Remember that Kish'ron HaMa’aseh (positive act) that I did? Remember I said that thing, and everyone all liked it. Remember I made that joke, and they all laughed. Remember the time I came across presentable here. And this guy/rebbetzin considered me the best. Get into a habit, on a daily basis. Make a big thing out of that, in order to counteract all the other stuff.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
