וְהִתְהַלַּכְתִּי בְּתוֹכֲכֶם וְהָיִיתִי לָכֶם לֵאלֹהִים וְאַתֶּם תִּהְיוּ לִי לְעָם: אֲנִי ה’ אֱלֹקֵיכֶם אֲשֶׁר הוֹצֵאתִי אֶתְכֶם מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם מִהְיֹת לָהֶם עֲבָדִים וָאֶשְׁבֹּר מֹטֹת עֻלְּכֶם וָאוֹלֵךְ אֶתְכֶם קוֹמֲמִיּוּת: (כו:יב-יג)
The Torah teaches us in its ways how we are to behave when we wish to rebuke another.
Behold, these posukim are stated as a preface to a very harsh rebuke, which is directed toward those who do not uphold the Torah. In these posukim, the Torah first precedes with a declaration of the closeness of Israel to their Creator and how beloved they are before Him. For although He is exalted above all that is exalted, He comes to cause His Shechina to dwell among them. In the past, when they were oppressed under the hand of Egypt, He altered nature on their behalf, exalted them above those who had humiliated them, and humbled before them those who had oppressed them with faithful plagues. With upright stature and great honor, He brought them out from there — from slavery to freedom.
Only after HaKadosh Baruch Hu made known His affection for Israel, did He then deem it proper to also inform them of the severe punishments that would, chalilah, come upon them if they sinned. For after revealing His affection for them, they understood that even the evil which He brings upon them stems from His great compassion — in order to straighten their paths and to remove their sins through punishments in this world.
Similarly, it is incumbent upon a person who seeks to rebuke his fellow to first show him affection, so that the recipient will recognize that the one rebuking him does not desire to point out his faults and deficiencies, but rather, only then shall he rebuke him, and the recipient will understand that his welfare is being sought.
These words correspond with the words of the holy Alshich, who interpreted in this manner the verse (Mishlei 9:8): ‘לץ תוכח אל ויאהבך לחכם הוכח ישנאך פן’ - ‘Do not rebuke a scorner, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.’ The posuk is speaking to the one giving the rebuke, and tells him: when you come to rebuke another, “do not rebuke a scorner” — do not give him the impression that you are labeling him as a scorner, and therefore you are rebuking him. “Lest he hate you” — perhaps as a result of this, you will arouse hatred against yourself, and consequently, he will not accept the rebuke. Rather, “rebuke a wise man” — give him the feeling that you are rebuking a wise man, that he is important in your eyes as a wise and G-d-fearing person. Then, “and he will love you” — he will further love you, and then indeed his ears will be open to hear words of ethics and rebuke from you.
Even the rebuke itself ought to be delivered in as soft a language as possible. One should not derive proof from the rebuke in our parsha, which is entirely words as hard as sinews, for the rebuke stated here is different — it is a form of “warning” before the sin. In such a case, it suffices to preface the rebuke with only a few words of affection, for then the words of rebuke will be accepted even if they are themselves harsh. But this is not a lesson for rebuke delivered after a person has already stumbled in sin. In such a case, it is appropriate to first attempt in pleasant ways, for those who have already fallen into a snare are, most often, broken and crushed over their bitter fate. Sometimes, the brokenness even causes a sort of despair, and at times they err in their foolishness only out of despair. If one rebukes them with harsh words, it will be as if one places salt upon their wounds, and it will cause their anger to be greatly intensified — even though they themselves do not know that their wrath stems from the fact that, in secret, their soul weeps over their disgraceful condition. It was not enough that they could not withstand their yetzer, and now this one comes to attack them...
To what can this be compared? To a mischievous youth who would climb the rooftops of houses to show off his strength before his peers of similar age. When this became known to his father, he scolded him and warned him that he was endangering himself. The boy promised his father that he would not repeat his foolishness. However, when he was again in the company of his friends, they urged him to once more show off his feats of strength and demonstrate to them a sign and wonder. The youth could not resist their persistence and defied his father‘s will, once again climbing one of the tallest rooftops in the city. But this time, success did not shine upon him, and while crawling, he fell to the ground and broke his leg. When the father was informed that his son had defied his will and now lay sprawled in the street, he went out to that place — but only to once again rebuke his son and scold him for not keeping his word. And so, while he was writhing in pain, bloodied and screaming bitterly from his injuries, the father stood and poured salt into his wounds with his rebukes for not fulfilling his promise... Such is the likeness of one who rebukes a person who is wallowing in the blood of his soul, whose soul mourns over the fact that he could not withstand the temptations of the yetzer.
In such situations, it is incumbent upon the one giving rebuke to preface his words with encouragement in a gentle tone, thereby, so to speak, making peace between the Creator Yisbarach and the sinner — to appease him, to strengthen him, and to entice him to once again join the ranks of those who wage war against their yetzer. He should not be disheartened by his falls, for such is the nature of battle: at times one rises and another falls, and sometimes the reverse. If he strengthens himself in his struggle, Hashem will be at his aid, and he will be the one to deliver the final blow. Only after all such conciliations should the rebuker inform him — in a soft reply — how grave it was that he did not withstand his trial. Only in this manner will the sinner be consoled over his past, and the rebuke will leave an impression upon him.
Even when it is clear to the rebuker that he is dealing with someone whose heart is not so broken, and in such a case, harsh words would not be like salt on open wounds, he must nonetheless be cautious not to speak in a way that contains scorn or offense. A similar idea is found with HaKadosh Baruch Hu: After Moshe first appeared before Pharaoh on behalf of his Creator to command him regarding the exodus of Israel from Egypt, Pharaoh increased his wickedness and cruelty and made the burden upon Israel even heavier. Moshe then, so to speak, complained to Hashem, questioning why He had sent him and caused, chas v’shalom, harm through his mission (see Shemos 5:22–23). HaKadosh Baruch Hu saw it fitting to rebuke Moshe with harsh words, as stated at the beginning of His response (Shemos 6:2): ‘וידבר אליו ויאמר משה אל אלקים’ - ‘And G-d spoke to Moses and said to him,’ and as Rashi explains, the word “spoke” denotes harsh speech, and these are his words: “He judged him harshly for having questioned and said, ‘Why have You done evil to this people?’” Thus, at that moment, Moshe was deserving of being addressed with harsh language. Yet even so, we also find that the posuk concludes with the expression “and said to him,” which denotes a soft tone, for although HaKadosh Baruch Hu intended to speak harshly, He saw it fitting that it also contain a gentle element of ’speech‘, so that the words would not result in harm or insult.
Indeed, those who rebuke with pure intentions for the sake of Heaven — their words, when spoken from the heart — even if they are uttered with a fiery passion, that very flame also reveals a burning love for those receiving the rebuke. Therefore, their words are heard.
