Question: I find myself getting into a lot of arguments lately—with my wife, my children, and people in the community. This wasn’t the case in the past, and I honestly don’t feel like I’ve changed. Do you have any advice on how to avoid these conflicts?
Answer: The common thread that fuels most arguments is the ego—the “I”. It shows up in many forms: “I want things my way,” “I’m being wrongly accused and need to defend myself,” “My children shouldn’t speak to me like that.” But the more a person removes themselves—their ego—from the equation, the fewer arguments they’ll have.
Rabbi Tuvia Bolton once described a certain chassid and Rosh Yeshiva in Jerusalem: someone could open a competing yeshiva right next door, and it wouldn’t bother him at all. Why? Because he wasn’t running the yeshiva for himself—it was about fulfilling Hashem’s will by spreading Torah. When it’s not about “me”, there’s no room for rivalry.
Take this example: A wife says to her husband, “You don’t appreciate all the work I do.” He snaps back, “Yes, I do! You don’t appreciate me!” Even if he’s right, would proving that improve their marriage? Probably not. In a healthy relationship, the relationship itself comes before either person’s ego.
Instead, he could say, “I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. I really do appreciate you—I just haven’t shown it well. Thank you for telling me. I want to do better.” That kind of response builds closeness, not division.
Or imagine a parent saying to their child, “You don’t talk to me like that!” Here, the focus is on the parent’s own pride. But if the parent says, “That’s not how a child should speak to a parent,” he’s teaching rather than defending. He’s shifting from ego to education.
Ultimately, the ego, the “I”, is the fuel of conflict. When we focus instead on a higher goal—on the bigger picture, on what unites us, on relationships, on growth, on Hashem’s will—we invite understanding and connection. As the Mishnah teaches, peace is the vessel that holds Hashem’s blessings.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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