A young man who had once been a rising star in yeshivah, learning diligently and committed in all areas of avodah and gemillas chassadim, for some reason slowly began to drift away from his spiritual growth. Torah achievement is not static; one either rises or he falters – with the descent most often quicker than his earlier ascent.
He himself did not know what was the cause of his abandoning Torah, but it went on for decades, as he distanced himself to the point which he thought was the point of no return. Nonetheless, the Pintele Yid within him yearned to return. He was convinced, however, that, after so many years, teshuvah was an impossible dream. He had strayed too far, for too long.
When he was in the yeshivah, he had established a close relationship with the Rosh Yeshivah, whose heart he had broken when he left, but a true Rebbe never gives up on a talmid. He went to visit him. He was no longer a teenager, and his Rosh Yeshivah was already sporting a grey beard. He pleaded his case, explaining that, while he would like to reconnect, he felt it was impossible.
“Do you believe in Hashem?” the Rosh Yeshivah asked. He nodded affirmatively.
“And do you believe that Hashem is Infinite?” Again, he nodded.
“If so, why are you placing limitations on Hashem’s capacity for forgiveness? If Hashem is truly Infinite – as you claim to believe – then His love and compassion is also Infinite. No matter how far a person has strayed, Hashem waits with open arms for him to return.”
The words hit home, penetrating through years of neglect and even anger. He realized that his Rebbe was right – he would not allow his past to define his future. It did not happen overnight, but, slowly, he began taking baby steps – shiurim, one mitzvah at a time, eventually, once again discovering the inherent joy in being an observant Jew.
Teshuvah is not about undoing the past, but about transforming the present, so that we will have a Jewish future.
Reprinted from the Parshas Balak 5785 edition of Peninim on the Torah compiled by Rabbi L. Scheinbaum.
