One year, on the night of Simchas Torah, R’ Mendel Horodoker locked himself in his room, and refused to come out for Atoh horeiso. The chassidim were eager to get started with the ceremony, so that they could get started with hakofos. But, of course, to start without their Rebbe was unthinkable. And R’ Mendel couldn’t be convinced to change his mind.
Seeing no way out of the stalemate, they turned to the Alter Rebbe (who, at the time, viewed himself as a chosid of R’ Mendel) to intervene. The Alter Rebbe turned to R’ Mendel, and asked for the grounds for his refusal to come to hakofos. R’ Mendel explained: “I have grasped 40 new interpretations in Atoh horeisoh, that represent very lofty levels in avodas Hashem. Since I don’t see myself as having attained those levels, I feel unworthy to recite the Atoh horeiso!”
The Alter Rebbe, however, ruled against his argument, saying “There is both a common-sense argument and a story that refutes your reasoning. The argument is – if you had reached the level represented in those 40 interpretations, you would, undoubtedly, then grasp even deeper meaning and symbolism to Atoh horeiso, that would result in your feeling even more unworthy”! (The story we will leave for another occasion...)
This fundamental idea should help clarify the first story as well: The more one understands, the deeper one delves, the more he is bound to sense his own inferiority and inadequacy. If someone, instead, remains shallow and superficial, he is more likely to find no fault with his own state of Yiddishkeit.
[In the words of Hayom yom: “He who is, himself, “nidereg un grob” (coarse and lowly), is bound to not sense his own lowliness”].
So the story with the Rashbatz is, in fact, very precise. There are, indeed, just 2 possibilities. One can be focussing on the outside. By looking towards outside, he will, inevitably, be comparing (and/or contrasting) himself with what he sees outside. And he is bound to conclude that he is not doing that bad at all, - he, himself, is “inside”.
If, on the other hand, one chooses the approach of “looking inside” – towards what is more real and more pnimiyus -, of striving towards what is higher, more spiritual and loftier, then he is risking coming to the blunt realization of how distant and removed from his goal he still is. In other words, he will come to see himself as being – outside.
The choices are clear: You can focus on the world, on the outside, on the superficiality, and have the benefit of being able to feel good about yourself, of feeling that you’re inside (in fact, by comparison, you’re actually not doing so bad at all, you’re the chosid, you’re the pnimi etc.). Or you can focus on the ideal chosid, on serving Hashem with neshomo, with pnimiyus, which may result in your coming to the (possibly discouraging) conclusion that you have a long way to go.
And the advice – directive of the Rashbatz is equally clear: Better to look (inside, even though it will mean that you will find yourself looking) inside from outside, than to look outside, even though as a result you can feel yourself looking from inside!
This Shabbos is Shabbos Slichos. It is a time when it is – probably – appropriate for us to focus on, well, slichos. It is a time to reflect on where there may be room for improvement in our behaviour, and to see what we can do and what we can change to actually bring about that improvement.
But this is something that we can go about in two different ways. One way is the superficial way. We can judge ourselves using the measuring stick from “outside”. When our focus is on the standards of the outside world, chances are that we’ll find that we’re not doing so bad (after all, my Pesach hotel had a better hashgocho, more shiurim, and a heimishe entertainer...).
Or, we can focus on what it really means to be a chosid, and to serve the Eibishter with a pnimiyus, to think about the ideal manner of davening, about a deeper understanding of the לך אמר לבי בקשו פני את פניך 'ה אבקש of Ellul and Tishrei. Which may leave us pessimistic, disillusioned and very discouraged. It may leave us feeling hopelessly “outside”.
But we need to remember: “it’s better, much better, tzu shtein in droisen un kucken iniveinig, vi shtein iniveinig un kucken in droisen”!
Because as long as we are looking towards and focusing on “inside”, we are not giving up on our chance to eventually get there. Moreover, the mere fact that we’re looking towards the “inside”, although it doesn’t help for feeling positive about where we’re holding, causes us, in some sense, to be inside, and even more than we would be otherwise. [As we all know the Torah of the Baal Shem Tov, who’s yom huledes we just celebrated, that wherever our thoughts and yearning are is where we truly are].
This is the time of the year when everyone thinks a bit about change, about improving and becoming better Yidden and better chassidim and better temimim. The challenge often is that if we aim (too) high, if we try to be really serious and ambitious, we risk feeling very far from our goal and getting discouraged.
But we need to bear in mind: We are better off being outside and looking inside. We need to keep our focus and our goal on being and living as a genuine pnimiyus’dige chosid. And by persistently looking inside, we are reassured that ultimately we will, indeed, find ourselves inside!
The slichos can be about the cow giving milk, - that is a slichos standing inside and looking outside. It should make us feel good.
But we can do better than that. Spend some time considering what our life is really all about. What our learning chassidus, our farbrengens and all of the Rebbe’s sichos and maamorim are really training us to strive for. And let us not lose sight of the inside, all the way inside, the most inner chamber, - לפני 'ה ישפוך שיחו!
L’chaim! May we all use the opportunity of Shabbos slichos to be “shockel’dig”, to shake ourselves out of our shallowness and our complacency and strive towards higher goals, and may the Eibishter shake the entire world out of its’ golus state, and give each and every one of us and each and every Yid and all Yidden a כתיבה וחתימה טובה לשנה טובה ומתוקה בטוב הנראה והנגלה ר"בגו and bring us all to the ultimate goal with the immediate hisgalus of Moshiach Tzidkeinu NOW!!!
Rabbi Akiva Wagner
!ג"הנרוהנ בטוב ס"וכט הנכונה בריאות מתוך ט"לאויוש ,'שי מרים בן ב"שד לזכות ט"ואויוש ק"לרפושו ,חנה בן אהרן ת"הרה לזכות
