(Devarim 21:14,16)
Regarding a soldier who was victorious in battle and sees a beautiful woman he becomes infatuated with, the Torah grants an allowance for him to take her home as a wife. However, before he can take this bride, he must make her unattractive to himself by cutting her hair and nails, and allowing her to weep for her family for a month. If he does not want her then, he sends her on her way.
Rashi comments that the phrase about him not wanting her is not so much of a possibility, but rather a surety. The Torah announces that once he does these things, his Evil Inclination to take this woman will subside and he will be able to overcome it. Then, he will recognize the folly of this infatuation and be able to shake it. This follows with what the Midrash in Lech Lecha says, “The word v’haya connotes simcha.” It’s a happy announcement that he will be able to grow beyond this initial failure.
However, if he does take her as a wife, he will not only be unhappy with her, but will have a child who is a Ben Sorer U’Moreh, a rebellious son. The progression from taking the woman, having a hated wife, and the rebellious son all stem from his initial sin of not being able to control himself and insisting on taking her as a wife. It’s not just that he found her attractive, but that his ego became inflated when he was victorious in battle and his image of himself dictated that he was entitled to her.
Ultimately, he will hate her and what she represents – his failure and lowliness. When she has a first-born, he cannot pass over him with his estate, because to do so would be to whitewash his actions and deny them. Hashem arranges this progression to help the man repent from his ways. All the difficulties we go through are for a reason, and if we don’t get the message the first time, Hashem sends more and more of them, in different forms.
If he doesn’t realize his mistake when the woman lives in his house for a month, then Hashem will give him the situation where she bears a son who is an embarrassment to him. If that’s not enough, the son will grow to be rebellious and disrespect him.
But let’s go back to the Midrash for a moment, that “every v’haya is an expression of simcha.” It says that if the man has two wives, and one is hated, “v’haya” when it comes to his estate etc. Where is the happiness?
The Ohr Hachaim comments on the posuk that the one who is hated will “surely” bear the first-born. Why? Because just as it says, “Hashem saw that Leah was hated and He opened her womb,” so will it be here. What this means is that even when Hashem is trying to teach the fellow a lesson, He is also compassionate and caring about the wife he dislikes. Hashem sees her pain and gives her a child, orchestrating the needs of each person individually, and collectively, with precision beyond human understanding. THIS is certainly a reason for rejoicing, knowing that Hashem is always doing what’s best for us and always there when we cry out to Him.
On April 15, 1912, the RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic. Supposed to be “unsinkable,” there weren’t enough life boats and over 1500 people died in the frigid waters. A man who heard the news of the tragedy prayed to G-d asking how He could let such a thing happen.
“Al-mighty G-d,” the man prayed. “You are all-powerful. You control the sea and the dry land, the heavens and the earth. Why did you let this tragedy occur? How is it that you did not stop the Titanic from sinking, and allowed all those people to perish?”
“Are you kidding?!” G-d replied. “Do you have any idea what I had to do to get all those people on one boat?!”
