According to the Torah, there are times when we are expressly not meant to be unconcerned; rather, we’re meant to feel the anguish of another person. This is the completeness of the nefesh. When a Yid unburdens to us about his tzarah, we aren’t meant to be calm and say, “It will be okay... Hashem surely has a cheshbon, etc.” Of course, there is a cheshbon, but it is demanded of us that we have compassion and empathy and feel his pain.
The Punishment for “Accepting” Someone Else’s Pain
When it comes to the pain of another person, we are meant to be right there with them. The concept of באהבה ייסורים קבלת is meant for our own challenges, as the following story illustrates:
The Rebbe Rashab of Lubavitch had two chassidim in the city of Vitebsk, Reb Leib and Reb Shmuel. Both did well in business, each had ample parnassah. But it happened that Reb Shmuel fell in with bad actors who swindled him out of a great deal of money. So, his friend Reb Leib journeyed to the Rebbe and related that his friend had suffered a great monetary loss. “Surely everything is from Above, and it is surely for the good. But still, it is a rachmanus on him,” he said.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe didn’t respond. But soon after Reb Leib returned home, a blaze broke out in one of his factories, causing him an astounding loss of 50,000 rubles. He went running to the Rebbe, this time beside himself, “Rebbe! It’s terrible!” he exclaimed.
To this the Rebbe responded, “When your friend lost money, I didn’t hear the same emotion from you.... When it came to someone else, you said that it’s all bashert, and it’s all for the good. But now, when it comes to your own loss, you’re suddenly beside yourself. It should really be the opposite: When you’re speaking about your own loss, you should have bitachon, and when you’re addressing your friend’s loss, you should be upset.”
The Rebbe added, “You should know that the entire reason for the fire in your factory was because of those words that you said—because there’s a tradition from the Ba’al Shem Tov that when a person ordains something for his friend, that fate will come back to him, and since you said that it was meant to be for your friend, you suffered a similar loss. It was a punishment for ‘accepting’ your friend’s yissurim.”
The Demand from Shamayim to Feel Another’s Pain
A similar story is related about Rebbe Mechele of Zlochev: Rebbe Mechele of Zlochev felt that, on a certain occasion, his tefillos weren’t reaching their intended destination, they weren’t being accepted On High. He was very perturbed about this, until his father came to him in a dream and revealed the reason. “Know that a while back, a Yid came to you and unburdened himself about his tzaros, and rather than empathize with him and share his pain, you told him that it was due to his aveiros... that suffering doesn’t happen for no reason. He surely must have done something to deserve it. This is causing your tefillos not to be accepted as usual.”
Surely the tzaddik had to guide this Yid on a path of repentance for his ways. But, according to his lofty level, it was required that he should first empathize with the Yid with his entire essence, with sheleimus hanefesh, and only later give him mussar.
The Ba’al Bitachon Must Take Extra Care
This is an area that takes avodah—especially for a Yid who works on his emunah and bitachon. This is a Yid who learns Chovos HaLevavos Sha’ar HaBitachon, and toils on his emunah and bitachon, and when he comes home, his wife complains about certain aggravating things that happened to her during the day. Sometimes, he may be inclined to laugh those things off. “Why are you being silly?” he may want to say. “Do all these things really matter in life?! There is a Ribbono shel Olam on This World. He runs everything. Everything is bashert!”
This is not the right approach, and it causes problems later—because this person is not exhibiting empathy and understanding to someone else’s pain. He is having “bitachon” at someone else’s expense. And it is all because this person has not employed the completeness of his nefesh such that when a person unburdens himself to him, he should feel his pain. As mentioned above, one must be able to transition seamlessly between modes.
Bittul to Hashem According to the Situation
Rebbe Pinchas of Koretz would say that when we plant a kernel in the ground, it becomes completely rotten before it sprouts forth a beautiful sapling. Because this is the way the world works: It is ever changing—but it must first have bittul to Hashem, it has no hubris. It has nothing. Only then can a new creation sprout.
The same applies to every Yid. If he has proper bittul to Hashem, then he can bring his entire essence to any given situation, placing himself wholly into the state where the Ribbono shel Olam wants him to be at that moment.
The הנפש שלימות of Tzaddikim
Rebbe Henich of Aleksander said regarding his Rebbe, the Rebbe Rav Bunim of Peshischa: “In my Rebbe, I saw at the same time love, fear, joy, humility, goodness, and displeasure.”
Rebbe Henich was able to see that his Rebbe possessed all aspects of his nefesh with a wholeness. All these various modes and middos did not emanate from a scatteredness, but the opposite: He had sheleimus hanefesh on such a lofty level that he was able to transition to and from contrasting emotions seamlessly.
The Torah that a person acquires guides him in always knowing precisely what Hashem wants from him at any given moment, and thus he can move deftly from one state to the next. There’s a nefesh that we need for Torah, and there’s a nefesh that we need for tefillah. There’s a nefesh that we need when conversing with a friend, and there’s a nefesh that we need when we’re at home with the family, and so forth. Every time, we “take out” a different nefesh, and each time we are fully there.
If a Yid lives with the proper bitachon, and he has bittul to Hashem, he will find the טוב כי מנוחה וירא. He has incredible serenity and tranquility in every matzav, and this brings him tremendous pleasure and siyatta diShmaya.
