INSIGHTS
LETTERS OF THE LUBAVITCHER REBBE
Not Even a Thank You? Aron Moss
Question: I live in London and have an apartment in Tel Aviv. As soon as the war broke out I contacted an agency in Israel to give my place rent-free to an evacuated family from the south of Israel. A family of four has been living there ever since. Occasionally the father calls with a question, like where to find the electric switchboard or how to unstuck the balcony door. Not once in all these months has he thanked me. I am not looking for kudos, but to be honest, the lack of gratitude bothers me. How am I to approach this without getting resentful?
Response: You have done a great mitzvah. And you are being richly rewarded for your kindness.
Our sages say that the greatest reward for a good deed is the opportunity to do another.
After selflessly giving your apartment to a family in need, you now have another mitzvah to do. And that is to judge others favourably.
When we witness inexplicable bad behaviour, rather than assume the worst, we should give the benefit of the doubt. There's always more to the story.
The ingratitude that the family has shown is odd. There may be a straightforward explanation. They are in the midst of a trauma. War and displacement may have caused this man to lose touch with his emotions, and he is incapable of expressing even the most basic social norms.
Or it could have been something else. We may need to use a little imagination to conjure a plausible excuse for this lack of good manners.
Imagine this family desperately needed accommodation but refused to receive any handouts. “We aren't homeless beggars!” said the father. So the agency looking after them told him a white lie: “There is a guy in England looking for someone to house-sit his apartment for a few months. You will be doing him a favour by staying in his place.” This got him over the line. Now everyone is happy. They got the shelter they needed with their dignity intact.
This not-so-far-fetched theory would explain the behaviour. No wonder he never says thank you. He thinks he is the one doing the mitzvah. In fact, he is wondering why in all this time you haven't thanked him even once for taking care of your place. Hopefully he will judge you favourably.
Good deeds happen to good people. You must be a good person. G-d gave you the means to help others, and the opportunity to do it altruistically. You give from the goodness of your heart and get nothing in return, not even a thank you. Which allows you the chance to do more mitzvahs. Maybe you should thank that family after all.
