Recognizing the Error of Our Old Mindset
Before we begin learning the second chapter in Sha’ar HaBitachon, let us make the following introduction:
Sometimes, there’s a rebbi or a Rav who simply teaches you what must be done—but he doesn’t tell you how to get there. He says simply, “This is what you must do,” and that’s it. Sometimes it’s even worse: The instructor is here to tell you all about what you cannot do, but when you wish to know what you can do, the teacher is no longer here.
But the heilige Torah teaches us with precision what we must do and what we must not do. The Ribbono shel Olam has given us a Torah that teaches us the entire path of how to arrive where we need to go, how a person should avoid the improper path, how to abandon negative habits, and how to start on the path that will lead the person to perfection.
The Torah’s Path for Attaining Love for Hashem
For example: The Torah teaches us נפשך ובכל לבבך בכל אלוקיך ה' את ואהבת מאודך ובכל, to love Hashem with all your heart... and with every measure that He treats you with.
The question is, how do we get there? How can we attain ahavas Hashem in every situation in our lives? Says the pasuk immediately: הדברים והיו לבבך על היום מצוך אנכי אשר האלה, and the Sefer HaChinuch explains that when you learn the Torah, you will arrive at ahavas Hashem. The commentaries on the Torah add that there are meditations a person should accustom himself to doing, and they will lead him to love of Hashem. We are given a precise path for transforming our hearts so that we can fulfill the mitzvah of ה' אהבת.
A Precise Path
The same applies to the matter of bitachon. The Chovos HaLevavos doesn’t only emphasize the importance of bitachon—he also guides us with precision as to how to attain it. He explains the path for extricating ourselves from old mindsets in order to arrive at bitachon. The Chovos HaLevavos addresses the thoughts that prevent us from properly relying upon Hashem with completeness.
At the beginning of this chapter, the Chovos HaLevavos lists seven reasons people tend to rely upon other humans—and he follows this by explaining that if we truly want these securities and assurances, there’s only one address for that: The Ribbono shel Olam.
Removing Old Tiles
When we think about it, we will see something interesting. In the first part of the sefer, in which he speaks about the erroneous reliance on humans, the Chovos HaLevavos elaborates greatly on this, far more than he speaks about the need to draw this security from Hashem. The reason for this is that when a person seeks to adopt a new mindset—to think and feel properly—he must first completely uproot his old way of thinking.
Just as when there’s old flooring that we wish to replace, we can’t simply install a new layer above it—the old tiles must be completely removed and the area cleaned—so too, we must cleanse our hearts and minds from the errors of the past before we can adopt a new mindset.
If we would simply come and tell someone, “Know that the Ribbono shel Olam loves you more than anyone in the world, and He does everything for your good,” it wouldn’t work—because this person has become accustomed to a certain way of thinking, and he has a set of sources of security that he relies upon.
What Am I Thinking?
We can often hear people lamenting, “I invest in my bitachon. I learn Chovos HaLevavos.” But factually, we don’t see their attitudes change. This is because they haven’t properly uprooted their old attitudes and ways of thinking.
Thus, says the Chovos HaLevavos: Later, we will speak about what we must do. But for now, let us truly analyze what we are currently thinking and doing. Let’s agree to recognize the truth and acknowledge how erroneous our current way of thinking is. Afterward, it will be much easier to absorb a new mindset of thoughts of emunah that will lead to bitachon in Hashem.
The primary work is not to learn what we must think, but rather how to remove the thousands of thoughts of reliance on humans to which we have become so accustomed. A person must first internalize that his current mindset is based on the wrong foundations.
Admitting Mistakes
Before truly acquiring a bitachon mindset, a person must internalize the fact that we have been corrupted with erroneous thoughts and attitudes, and we must admit that these are mistaken thoughts.
People like to say (as a way of excusing their reliance on humans—including relying upon their own might and effort), “After all, one is obligated to do hishtadlus.” They think that this is a sort of credit card that excuses attitudes that are contrary to emunah, the way people speak freely about mundane things on Shabbos by prefacing their words with “nisht oif Shabbos geredt.”
For a person to rid himself of his old thoughts and attitudes and to fill his heart with true and proper thoughts of emunah and bitachon, he must admit to himself, “Until today, I have lived my life with the wrong mindset.... My thoughts and attitudes bordered on kefirah in Hashem.” Only then can we begin learning about the proper way to think and feel and rely.
The Error of Relying Upon the Compassion of Humans
The First Reason We Rely on Humans
The Chovos HaLevavos begins this chapter by addressing seven mindsets that people tend to have as it relates to their search for security in their lives—which tend to lead them to rely upon other humans. There are seven reasons people may rely on other humans.
The first—and the strongest—reason is והאהבה והחמלה הרחמים, the mercy, the compassion, and the love that they may have for him. The commentaries explain that mercy is possible only in humans, who have wisdom, while compassion is an instinct that even animals may have even without understanding their pain.
One who believes that his fellow has mercy and compassion for him will rely upon him, and his soul will find serenity from all his disturbances and worries. That is, when we feel that our fellow loves us and has compassion and mercy for us, we feel secure that he will surely help us out of our dilemmas.
We tend to think about this when burdening another person to do something for us. We don’t approach simply anyone... we will seek out a person who has compassion and love for us, someone who will be glad to help us out. This, the Chovos HaLevavos says, is the primary reason we might rely upon a human for our security.
Relying on Humans Is Contrary to Emunah
These words of the Chovos HaLevavos are earthshattering—because we see constantly how people do rely on others on a regular basis, and here we learn that this borders on heresy!
The yesod we’re learning here is that: when a person says to himself, “This person will surely do this favor for me... of course he will... he is like a brother to me!” Know that simply thinking in this manner constitutes untethering ourselves from the Ribbono shel Olam, and borders on issurim d’Oraisa!
When people hear such words, they will usually react, “Why are you getting so dramatic... this is the regular way that people think....” But the Chovos HaLevavos tells us that if we don’t speak of this, we will never change... we’ll remain with the same misguided thinking, living an erroneous life without emunah in Hashem!
Examples from Everyday Life
Let’s take an example that can occur frequently. Suppose a Yid is blessed with his eighth child, and someone must come in to take care of the other seven children. Their mother is recuperating in the hospital, and the father is unable to care for the children on his own. Who will take the children? The father immediately begins thinking, “Who?! I will send some to my mother, some to my mother-in-law... but maybe they won’t want to take the kids? Nah, surely a grandmother will care for her own grandchildren.”
This person has now relied upon a human being. We will soon see what the proper mindset is, but for now we must understand that Chovos HaLevavos is speaking about such simple everyday examples... that even here it is improper to rely on humans. We must rely only upon Hashem.
This is what the Chovos HaLevavos refers to when he writes: האדם כי שיטריחהו מה כל עליו נפשו ותנוח בו יבטח עליו וחומל מרחם שהוא בחבירו יודע כשהוא מעניניו, when a person knows that his fellow has mercy and compassion on him, he will place his trust in him, and his soul will rely upon him in all matters that perturb him.
Relying on a Wealthy Brother
The same applies when a person prepares to marry off his child, and he knows that he can rely on his well-to-do brother for a loan. “Baruch Hashem, I have whom to rely upon for a loan... this part isn’t a problem for me.... I borrowed from him for my previous three weddings, and I paid him back on time. He means so well, and he does it with all his heart... may all Yidden have whom to turn to the way I do.”
This person may have said the words “baruch Hashem,” but in practice, he has relied upon a human being..., saying, “This person is loyal and devoted... he will surely help me....
Neighbors and Loved Ones
Another example is when a person asks his friend to retrieve a package from a certain office where he’s headed in any case. “I have done similar favors for him in the past.... He will surely do this for me. He must...
Some people will tell you this explicitly. “I do favors for my neighbors, and I know that they will eventually reciprocate in kind.” “I know that he will gladly give me his basement apartment for my mechutanim, because I have done the same for him so many times in the past. He can’t refuse me...”
Says the Chovos HaLevavos, I hear where you’re coming from... but you’re on a crooked train. Such thoughts must be eradicated completely.
Can’t We Ask for a Favor?
One may ask regarding this point: Is it wrong to ask people for favors?! It’s normal to request favors from other people. The world is designed that way! And if I need to ask for a favor, it’s understandable that I would turn to those who care for me most, those who are most likely to grant me the favor! Why would I go to anyone else?
This is the regular way of the world: We turn to family and friends when we’re in need. And when we turn to someone likely to help us, it is with the hope and the expectation that they will acquiesce. Is this the opposite of emunah in Hashem?! If I ask for a favor in the hope that it will be granted, am I really thinking improper thoughts?! What then am I supposed to think?
The Danger of Asking Others for Favors
The Soul-Altering Effect of Asking for Favors
To answer this question, let us analyze what transpires in the nefesh of the person when he asks for a favor of another person.
The reality is that every time a person takes any action, it has an effect on his nefesh. When a person says an untruth, it negatively affects his nefesh. When he becomes angry, his nefesh becomes affected. What happens when a person asks another person for a favor? What happens to his inner feelings?
Taking Advantage
When we think about it, there are two effects that can transpire in the nefesh as a result—and they’re polar opposites.
Sometimes, it may have the effect of bringing a person to hubris and haughtiness. This person feels that the world was created for him, and if so, everyone in the world is here to serve him.... This person practically proclaims that the entire creation was created to serve him, and everyone should do for him, take for him, and so forth. There are people who excel in this, and they do so with great intensity, to put others to work for them.
Don’t Enslave Him
There have indeed been many great tzaddikim who held that this attitude borders the prohibition of בפרך בו תרדה לא, you shall not subjugate [an עברי] עבד through hard labor. This prohibition to take advantage of another Yid applies even to a person who has sold himself as a slave out of necessity—all the more so for a Yid who’s not your slave. We must be mindful of what we ask from others.
Parenthetically, this even applies to parents and what they ask from their children. It’s not so simple to take advantage of our children. It tends to be people who ask too much of their children who will also take advantage of other people as well. Everyone becomes his child... it can sometimes be uncomfortable to witness it.
The Best Chinuch for a Grandchild
Once, the Imrei Emes of Ger sat at a meal with a grandson, and when it came to bentching, the Rebbe rose from his place and retrieved mayim achronim himself. The Rebbetzin wondered, “There’s an einikel sitting right here... why wouldn’t you be mechanech him to respect his grandfather, and serve him?” Said the Rebbe: “Of course I was mechanech him! I taught him that when you can do something yourself, you don’t ask another person to do it for you!”
When a person asks others to serve him, as though they’re his servants, it is a danger to the nefesh. Not only is it improper, but it negatively affects our nefesh. This person slowly convinces himself that other people are obligated to serve him. There’s a risk that this will give birth to גאוה and hubris.
When the Steipler Came Without Socks
True Gedolim were extremely careful not to impose on others unless it was truly necessary. The Steipler Gaon once came to shul with shoes, but no socks. When asked about this, he explained that he was already elderly, and it was difficult for him to bend down and put on his socks. But it would never occur to him to impose upon another person for this favor. He held that it was preferable to go to shul without socks.
This is how these exalted Yidden lived! It would never occur to them to put others to work for them—for this could lead to a shred of גאוה within them.
The Tefillah of Rav Sonnenfeld
In truth, there’s a source for this in the Gemara (Sukkah 28a), which says regarding Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai that no one else ever opened the door for his students, but only he himself. Rather than others serving him, he served his own students!
A grandson of Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld reported that his saintly grandfather would constantly supplicate Hashem, “Ribbono shel Olam! My entire life, I was careful not to impose upon others. Help me that I should never have to come onto favors from others, for as long as I am on This World—I shouldn’t have to rely on anyone, for as long as my neshamah is within me.” For these great men, it was a matter of humility. It was unthinkable for them that others should serve them.
When Hubris Prevents Us from Asking for Help
At the same time, there’s the opposite dynamic as well: Sometimes, people will not ask for favors because they’re haughty. “Don’t help me... I can manage on my own.” This attitude really comes from a sense of ...גאוה a feeling of ידי ועוצם כחי—and this is what it cements in our hearts.
This has a source in the Gemara (Avodah Zarah 5a) teaching that the Yidden were designated as טובה כפויי, ingrates, because when Hashem said to them following Mattan Torah אותי ליראה זה לבבם והיה יתן מי, who will enable their hearts to fear Me, they should have cried out, אתה תן—please give us this ability! We cannot do it alone! We can’t attain fear of Heaven alone. Enable us to remain on this exalted level.
Tosafos explain that this constituted ingratitude—because they felt that if they were to ask for a favor from Hashem, they would later be required to repay that favor, and this prevented them from asking. “We’d rather manage on our own,” they reasoned. This teaches us that, often, refraining from asking for help is itself rooted in negative middos.
Asking for Favors Brings a Feeling of Indebtedness
We have spoken about the risk of asking for help, because it may foster a feeling of hubris within us.
But there’s also a danger in asking for help in that it makes us feel enslaved and indebted to the other person. “This person did me a favor, and now I owe him a favor in return.” For this reason, there are people who prefer not to ask for favors, because they don’t want to become indebted. “I’ll owe him for the rest of my life, and this I don’t want”.
This is what the Yidden reasoned following Mattan Torah, as noted above; it was held against them, and it was to their great detriment.
A Double-Edged Risk
In any case, when a person considers asking a favor from another person, he should know that he’s in danger. Of course, there’s a place for it, but know what effect this will have on your nefesh.
There’s a possibility that you will feel that this person is your servant, or that you will become enslaved to him—both of which present a risk of becoming distant from Hashem. You may become a ba’al ga’avah, and this distances a person from the Ribbono shel Olam, and when you feel indebted to others, you’re also becoming distant, in a sense. It may cause you to feel the need to flatter this person or otherwise ingratiate yourself with him.
Take the Risk into Account
So, when we consider asking for favors, it’s not prohibited. But there’s a risk involved, and we must tread carefully.
It’s like asking whether one is permitted to cross an ocean. We tell this person, “Listen, the water is very deep and very wide. It’s dangerous, and you must take the danger into account.” He will answer, “But I don’t have a choice. What can I do if I must get to the other side?!” The answer is that no one said he is not permitted to cross the ocean! We’re simply telling him that there’s a risk involved, and he must take the necessary precautions—and, most importantly, contemplate whether he must indeed take this risk. Maybe there’s another way to reach one’s destination.
We say the same to the person considering asking for a favor: “Know that you’re taking on a big risk. Consider whether it’s necessary, or whether you can get along without it.”
The Ba’al Bitachon Avoids Asking Others for Favors
This point is clearly addressed in the introduction to the Chovos HaLevavos when he writes that the ba’al bitachon וטורח טובתם מבגדי 'יתפשט תגמולם וחובת הודאתם, he will shed the clothing of their favors, the need to praise them, and being indebted to them. The ba’al bitachon won’t need to flatter anyone, because he doesn’t need their favors.
The Marpeh L’Nefesh commentary explains that, of course, this doesn’t mean that the ba’al bitachon feels no gratitude toward others when they help him, and that he avoids asking favors because he doesn’t want to owe others gratitude, which is a tremendous flaw. Rather, the intention is that the ba’al bitachon is fearful of encountering this danger.
Fear of Danger
The ba’al bitachon says, “There are so many instances when we don’t really need the favor of other people. And if it’s not truly necessary, I want to avoid it. Because I know that if I ask for favors, I run the risk of ruining my middos. I may begin viewing others as my servants, or I may view myself as being enslaved to others.” The ba’al bitachon does everything he can so as not to rely on others or clothe himself in the favors of others.
This isn’t rooted in ga’avah—rather, this person knows that he doesn’t want to ruin all his hard work on bitachon by relying on others. Therefore, he will do everything in his power to avoid asking for favors, so he doesn’t fall into a sakanah.
Become Accustomed to Turning to Hashem
And so, the first consideration when contemplating asking others for favors is to recognize that there’s a danger therein. The second thing is to think carefully whether it’s necessary.
Only when it becomes clear that it’s clearly necessary should a person come to the next step: When he needs a favor, he should first turn to the Ribbono shel Olam! We’re simply not accustomed to this. Even people who daven and recite Tehillim... when it comes to asking
