Life in Retrospect
Yaakov Avinu is at the end of his life, and he is bentching his grandsons, Menashe and Ephraim, saying, “The angel who redeemed me from all evil should bless the youths.”
The question arises, why does he invoke the angel... why not the Ribbono shel Olam? Rashi says, “The angel who frequented me during my times of suffering.” But why this angel? Why should the angel of rescue be the one to bless the grandchildren?
Perhaps we can say: Yaakov Avinu is at a point in his life at which he has seen and experienced so much. He looks back, and he sees that everything—even the negative events—was for his ultimate good. Chazal (Kiddushin 33a) tell us that Rabbi Yochanan would accord honor even to an elderly gentile—because he has been through life, and he has come to appreciate that everything was for the good... he has a certain level of emunah that others do not.
Now, Yaakov Avinu is about to bentch his grandchildren. What is the ideal berachah that he can bequeath to them?
Been There
And so, a grandfather has something that a father doesn’t have—and it is this that he can gift to his grandchildren: the gift of having been through life. He’s been on this earth for long enough to have seen many circles close. He was probably confident that he wouldn’t have the money to marry off his children... but somehow, he did. He was assured that this child will never find a shidduch, but the Ribbono shel Olam sent a wonderful match. He saw the difficult beginning, and he saw that Hashem sent him an angel of rescue. This is how it always was; something frightening happened, and in the end, Hashem helped him in wonderful ways.
Only such a person is in a position to say, “Listen well! You’re still young. But you will need to deal with life’s challenges. You will likely be certain that you’re the first to encounter these challenges... you will feel as if your entire future is in danger. I am telling you now: You’re not the first nor the last... this is how it goes. Everyone deals with difficulties.”
The Gift of Emunah
The Ribbono shel Olam arranged the world in such a way that the grandchildren will encounter their grandfather and learn from his life’s wisdom and experience. In truth, a grandparent has the ability to prepare his grandchildren for life by instilling emunah in them—in a way that a parent cannot—and he is obligated to do so, as the pasuk says, בניך ולבני לבניך והודעתם, and you will make them known to your children and your children’s children.
There’s a special emunah that is infused into grandchildren just by observing their grandparents. It’s not that they see that in the end they have lots of money.... The idea is that they look at their grandparents, and through them they see that everything works out for the best. They see a person who—through his life experiences—has turned into a purer person, a more temimus’dig person... a person with a stronger emunah.
In our generation, we were still able to observe the Holocaust survivors who endured the most difficult experiences imaginable—and yet rebuilt generations. They’re a true example of how—despite everything having seemed lost... that life is finished—it wasn’t finished after all.
A young person who isn’t interested in hearing from his elders doesn’t know what he’s missing. He doesn’t understand how much depth and experience he is missing out on. When a young person says, “Such-and-such says in this sefer...,” it is theoretical. It’s something he has heard. But when an older person says, “This is my experience...” and we observe how he is today... that is like seeing—and seeing is always more powerful than hearing. It is an extremely powerful tool to instill emunah.
This is the berachah with which Yaakov Avinu blessed his grandchildren: “The angel who rescued me should bless the youths.” That is, he should accompany them in their lives when they experience their challenges—so they should be able to connect to this knowledge, and see clearly that everything has a good ending.
The Crushed Kernel
Let’s take as a metaphor the process of baking bread. The wheat kernels lie peacefully inside their shells, growing day by day, joyful and happy, and warmed by the sun. What can be better? One day, a man comes and chops them off from their source of sustenance. It’s terrible! Even worse is when he threshes the stalks and grinds the kernels into flour. And if this isn’t enough, he throws the flour into a bowl along with water, and batters the mixture with his fists from all sides. Broken and battered, the dough is finally placed into the piping-hot oven.
“Why do we deserve all this?” they complain in pain. “What was our sin?” they cry.
But then, they emerge from the oven as hot, fresh, delicious challah—to be eaten at a seudas mitzvah with berachos beforehand and afterward. This brings them to their tachlis, and they come to appreciate that everything they endured was for the good. Now, the kernels that are already in a challah form tell the flour sitting in bags on the shelf: “Don’t worry, good times are on the way.”
An older person tells his grandchildren: “There’s a purpose to everything that happens... to blows and suffering... it all leads somewhere. It doesn’t happen for nothing. There’s a process, and you’re in the middle of it.” The senior stage of life is a time when circles begin to close. This is the time when the person can tell his stories with their positive ending... and when the young people imbibe these stories, they inhale a unique emunah that cannot be accessed in any other place, an emunah that is tangible and real and experienced.
The Namesake
A Yid made a bris for his son, naming the baby for his grandfather, who had survived the Holocaust—and one of the relatives asked a family member to tell him a bit about the namesake whom he didn’t know.
The family member thought for a moment, and said: “Yes, I can think of a story that aptly describes my zeide.
“My zeide was a Yid who lived his life with utter and complete emunah... it flowed in his blood. One day, I went to see him. I had been blessed with a number of girls, but I very much wanted a boy. And so, I asked my zeide for a berachah to have a boy. Hearing my request, he recoiled. ‘Absolutely not! Why are you getting involved in the Ribbono shel Olam’s affairs?! Why are you telling Him what to do?!’ This was who my zeide was!” he concluded.
The Essence of a Zeide
Indeed, this is the essence of a grandparent, any grandparent. They’re in a unique position to tell their grandchildren, “Why would you want to change the Ribbono shel Olam’s program? You’re going to tell Him what to do? I have been through life, and I have come to learn and understand that everything has a clear plan.”
This doesn’t mean that one may not daven for boys. Sure, it’s permitted. There are even tefillos especially composed for this (see Berachos 60a). But our approach must be such that whatever the Ribbono shel Olam does is good.
Understanding the ending is something that we cannot learn from a sefer. But HaKadosh Baruch Hu says, “I arranged the world in a way that you can gain this understanding by osmosis—when it is transmitted to you by your elders who have gone through life. When the Torah said בניך, ולבני לבניך והודעתם the idea isn’t just to learn avos u’banim with your grandchildren; it goes much deeper than this.
Torah is what is behind the letters. Torah is the light... emunah... Elokus. And Elokus is transmitted uniquely by a person who has been humbled by life’s experiences.
This is what Yaakov Avinu was telling his grandchildren when he said הגואל: המלאך I can give you this berachah even though you’re still young—to infuse in you a spirit of emunah so you will see tangibly that there is a perfect program for everything.
“I, Too, Have Been There”
We will add another point. It’s common that when people share their pain, others will tell them, “I understand you... I went through the same thing.” And the question always is: Is this a proper or welcome response? On one hand, you’re giving the person the feeling that you understand him. On the other hand, no two people are alike, and no two situations are alike. If so, how can you say that you went through the same thing? Perhaps you went through a similar thing....
Furthermore, sometimes you will make the person feel worse by telling him that you understand him. In many cases, he would rather hear: I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through... I don’t know what I’d do in your situation!
We’re All Going Through Purification
But l’maiseh, the point remains that a person who has already emerged from the pit will tell the person still inside, “I’ve been there.” There is always a concept that among Yidden, people will strengthen one another by assuring them that they’ve been in their situation, and they have emerged in one piece—thereby infusing in the others a spirit of hope.
At the end of the day, the form of suffering, the exact type of pain, may differ between one person and the next—but this is just the outer wrapping. At the core, we’re all going through the same thing: We’re all going through purification by HaKadosh Baruch Hu in order to become true Yidden. One goes through it with monetary matters. And another one goes through the purification in the area of shalom bayis. For both of them, there is endurance and later redemption. There’s a beginning and an end... there’s darkness that leads to light.
There’s lack of understanding in Torah that leads to understanding Torah... there’s a feeling of ידי ועוצם כחי, my might and the power of my hands, which leads to an appreciation that we’re powerless and to a real emunah...
The outer layers vary between people—and this is intentionally so. For if we’d all have the same nisayon, it would be no nisayon at all. Precisely because the outer trappings are different, everyone thinks that they’re the first to have ever endured this saga. But, at the core, we’re all going through the same thing.
And so, when you’re seeking to give chizuk to another person, one option is to speak about the outer layer. “This happened to you?! It’s truly terrible! This may work to alleviate some of his pain. But when you get to the real chizuk, the idea is to impress upon the person that it’s all the same: Everyone goes through trials and tribulations, and every beginning has an end.
The Root Is the Same
The older person says: When I was young, eighty years ago, the nisyonos of life were not oriented around technology. This is true. But there were different nisyonos. There was poverty...there was haskalah. What’s the difference? They’re all layers by which HaKadosh Baruch Hu leads a person to the tachlis.
When we meditate on the root of all these tribulations, when we speak about the yesod of Yiddishkeit and about our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam, it’s all one. The young bachur who struggles with the nisyonos of our time looks at his grandfather and asks: “Can you possibly give me chizuk? You don’t understand me. You never went through what I’m going through!”
And what’s the answer? It depends what you’re looking at. If you’re looking at the outer layer, the boy is correct. But the yesod is the same. When we look at the yesod that lies beneath the nisayon—of course the elders can give chizuk to their grandchildren!
Speaking About the Yesod
The yesod is the same in all situations—no matter what era: A person thinks that something from the outside will help him in his challenge, and this causes him to distance himself from the Ribbono shel Olam. But when we build the yesod properly, it makes no difference what the outer layer looks like.
In forty years from now, the nisyonos will be so vastly different from what they are now. Thus, why limit and narrow ourselves by speaking about the outer trappings of each nisayon? Talk about the yesod, and then he can transmit it to his own grandchildren!
My angel of rescue will bentch the youths. And not only my understanding will accompany them, but that of אבותי ושם שמי, that of my fathers as well. And so, הארץ בקרב לרוב וידגו, they will be fruitful and multiply for many generations—for this yesod of understanding that Hashem’s salvation is always here, and that He is right there behind every nisayon, will accompany them through all their nisyonos.
