I don’t usually deal with unique problems in this forum, for two reasons. The first reason is that I want to present advice for situations that affect the general public, not just a few individuals. The second reason is that I have yet to come across a problem that is truly unique. In fact, if I remember correctly, the very first question I addressed in a public forum concerned a husband experiencing difficulty in relating to a very introverted wife.
Specifically regarding what this writer describes, while many people may never have heard of the term “misophonia” (decreased tolerance of certain sounds), it’s not such a rare thing at all. Lots of people have sensitivities to things that other people find totally unobjectionable.
Question
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you for your practical and meaningful classes on TorahAnytime. I appreciate your insight tremendously, and have learned so much. I have a question to ask you that I think is quite unique.
My husband and I have been married for a few years now and we’re baruch Hashem very happy. I respect my husband a lot and appreciate everything about him. Most of the time things are really fine, but I wouldn’t say that our communication is so great. Part of this is because I have a problem with sensitivity to sound — things like the noise made by people who eat with an open mouth, noises that most people aren’t bothered by, but I really can’t stand, and it makes me so tense and edgy.
I know our communication should be better and that it’s my fault, both because of this sensitivity and also because I’m a very introverted person and hate being vulnerable in any relationship. That makes it hard for me to make conversation (and then my husband feels bad about it and blames himself), and it also makes me really sensitive to anything he says that sounds like criticism, even though it really isn’t, and sometimes I get so stressed that I explode.
After each time that happens, I calm down and apologize. I don’t want to hurt him and I hope he knows it. I know it’s tough on him, but now he wants to go for help, because he says he can’t handle it when I have outbursts. But I just don’t think that couples therapy would help, because it’s basically my issue. Also, I’m really working very hard on myself, and I’m seeing and feeling improvement, even though it’s very hard for me.
Do you think this is something we should be addressing as a couple?
Answer
That said, I’d like to begin by commending you for your honesty and willingness to face up to the issues you’re dealing with and take responsibility for the repercussions. Being self-aware and also somewhat self-critical is a wonderful thing. There’s a caveat, however, one that I’ve noticed many times when trying to help people surmount problems and improve relationships. All too often, the wrong person accepts responsibility for a situation and tries to resolve it even though it is neither of their making nor in their power to influence to the degree they would like.
It’s easy to understand why someone might not want to face up to a problem that he is causing; it’s harder to understand why someone who isn’t responsible is willing to blame themselves. Sometimes, being too self-critical results from a hope that “if it’s my problem, then I can fix it”. People don’t want to leave the outcome in someone else’s hands. At other times, the person has a skewed perspective in general and tends to put himself down all the time.
While either spouse in a marriage can do a great deal to improve things regardless of “whose fault” the problems are, it’s not helpful for them to see things in such a lopsided manner.
In your case, being self-critical does seem legitimate. So, that’s great, but the problem hasn’t been solved. Now what? Your husband wants to go to couples therapy and you would like me to weigh in.
While you are ready to admit to the issues you’re struggling to deal with, you don’t seem quite as ready to commit to real change. That’s understandable, as real change is very, very hard. It’s similar to the steps of teshuvah which start with vidui and charatah, but must be followed with that conclusive step of azivas hacheit.
What your husband seems to have been saying, without putting it into blunt words, is that he’s no longer prepared to accept your contrite words; they don’t soothe his hurt feelings given that he knows you’ll soon be exploding again. As understandable as this may be, I'd like to suggest something to those on the receiving end of these kinds of apologies: When someone says sorry, even if they aren’t promising never to do whatever it is again, you should still try to accept their apology.
Apologizing is not at all easy; it’s far more common for people to deny the pain they’re causing or to blame it on anyone but themselves. While an apology without any commitment to change can be very hard to hear, and it certainly isn’t good enough, it’s still much better than nothing at all. What’s more, accepting it with gratitude keeps the lines of communication open and makes it far more likely that your spouse will eventually do the hard work of resolving their issues.
Will couples therapy help you to resolve this situation? That depends first of all on what you define as a resolution. It sounds like your husband wants you to first see things from his perspective, and then, to really do something about your issues rather than just confessing them constantly.
You write that you’re already working hard, but it’s apparently not enough for your husband. I don’t know what you think therapy will do for you, but if you’re looking for advice on how to keep moving in the right direction, you can definitely look for someone who could help with that. Perhaps a mentor or therapist could also help you to understand why your husband is so upset at the situation; while you’re very aware when it comes to your feelings, you seem less aware when it comes to his. It’s not easy to step into someone else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.
Trying to understand another person’s perspective and admitting that it’s just as valid as our own is only achieved through a lot of hard work. If you can do that work on your own and your husband sees and senses it, he may no longer feel any need for therapy.
But not putting in the work, or worse, actually identifying with our issues, is wrong in itself. We are far more than a combination of problems and shortcomings, and we need to harness our strong points if we want to overcome our weaker ones. In your case, your honesty stands you in good stead when it comes to admitting not only the problem but also the need to change; your concern for your husband can give you the impetus you need to make not just the changes that you see are necessary but also those he wants to see.
A person living alone (nebach) has the “luxury” of being able to write himself off as “just that guy with an anger issue” or “just that woman who can’t seem to get her act together.” Once married, however, the willingness to look at ourselves through our spouse’s eyes is a prerequisite for shalom bayis.
Given that it’s this time of year, I’ll take the opportunity to add a thought about teshuvah in general. I believe that someone who is open to seeing their faults has the inherent capability to put in the hard work of fixing them. The Rambam quotes the gemara that likens someone who regrets the past but doesn’t do anything to change his ways to a person who immerses in a mikveh while clutching an insect. He explains that azivas hacheit — leaving the sin behind — is the most essential part of the teshuvah process. No amount of self-flagellation compensates for continuing to go down the wrong path.
May Hashem help us all to see ourselves and others with an ayin tovah and turn our lives around to point in the right direction.
