We don’t like speaking negatively. Emunah and bitachon are essentially positive topics. The whole outlook on life needs to be one of bountiful blessing, of emunah in the Master of all, Who does good to all. Whoever learns and strengthens himself grows accustomed to thinking in positive ways, delving into Hashem’s great goodness and kindness and into the positive attributes of other people, and learning to share others’ happiness, to open their hearts, and to bring peace and serenity to their homes. Rabbenu Bachyai dedicated an entire chapter in Shaar Habitachon to ten essential differences between one who learns bitachon and one who has yet to do so.
In the fifth chapter of Chovos Halevavos, Rabbenu Bachyai does not simply describe those who live without bitachon; rather, he teaches: There is a remedy for this! Come and learn bitachon! It’s not so complicated. How can we see people dealing with difficult feelings and not help them out? This is the goal of presenting the negative side of things. Not in order to poke fun, chalilah, but in order to bring us to the understanding that trust in Hashem yisbarach is the solution to these situations.
The sixth difference he describes is that “One who does not trust in Hashem does not have Someone Who loves him.” Straightforward and simple. How could a person inspire others to love him if he is as full of complaints as a pomegranate is full of seeds? He sees his neighbor succeeding and is jealous of him. He keeps desiring and being jealous of what his neighbor has, and he thinks that if anything good comes to his neighbors, it’s missing from him: The neighbor has a good job? This is doubtless because he took it from me. The neighbor enjoys success in a certain matter? It must be that the bounty went to the wrong address. It was supposed to come to me, and the neighbor simply stuck himself between me and that success and snatched it away. No, this is not a joke. He really has these kinds of thoughts, and he could even complain angrily, “Why did you take it from me? Why are you making money on my account?”
People bear a grudge against a shadchan for the simple reason that he did not make a shidduch for their son. They are liable to think that a certain shidduch was intentionally taken from them. While indeed it is fair and right to want your son to find his shidduch – what could be greater than building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael? – one who learns and strengthens himself in bitachon knows how to occupy his mind and his heart with holy thoughts. He recalls that the One Who truly makes all shidduchim knows his exact address and did not forget him or neglect him. He believes that the yeshuah is waiting for him. He does every reasonable hishtadlus and awaits Hashem’s yeshuah. He delves into the thought that everything is for the good, and he is sure that in every case, “[Hashem] makes a limit to the darkness” (Iyov 28:3) and that very soon the light will shine forth.
Someone who hasn’t yet strengthened himself in emunah and bitachon is liable to get carried away. He goes over to the shadchan with barely concealed rage and shouts at him, “It’s your fault! You’re to blame for the fact that my son is learning in kibbutz and nothing is moving. Why are you looking at me like that? It’s a fact. You made a shidduch for my neighbor, for my nephew from my side and for my niece from the other side, for the family across the street and for my friends in yeshivah. You take care of all the people on your list, one by one, and you skip over only my son. Why do you leave him for last? His name starts with a daled, the fourth letter; it’s not fair that every time you go through your list of names, you don’t try to find something for him as well....”
Do all these claims seem logical? It doesn’t enter the mind of the person speaking this way that he is speaking blasphemy. No human shadchan is actually the one who makes shidduchim. He is only a good messenger. The Creator of man is the only One Who makes shidduchim wholeheartedly. He and no one else. Do you want to do hishtadlus? Do proper hishtadlus, without blaming anyone. The belief that everything is Heavenly ordained is a practical dictate, and it spares us much agony.
The nisayon is hard enough as it is. There’s no need to add to it anger and blame, jealousy and hatred. Even though the Amora Shmuel determined the famous principle that “lest someone else precede him,” and Chazal cite his words several times, what it says afterward is less well-known: “and even so, the shidduch will not last long.” (See Yerushalmi, Beitzah 5:2; Taanis, end of ch. 1; Taanis 4:6.)
There is a major principle regarding shidduchim: The Creator of the world does not build homes in Am Yisrael via kidnappings! No one can take or snatch away another person’s shidduch, and if it is the will of Hashem, all those who anticipate yeshuos will see them. Just believe and trust in Hashem, and remember Who is running the world. And may it be His will that we see great chassadim and yeshuos with our own eyes, in great joy; amen.
(Excerpt from shiur 241)
