The first aliyah in this week’s parsha is perplexing. We know there is nothing ‘extra’ in the Torah, and yet it seems that the first aliyah is simply a nice review by Yehuda to Yosef, and to us the reader, of all that has happened in last week’s parsha. Why is this repeated here?
The Bais Halevi offers a unique explanation. He says that Yehuda was losing patience because he felt that the responses that Yosef was giving during the conversation he was having with the brothers were inconsistent, and didn’t seem to make any sense. He concluded that maybe the problem was with the translator. After all, in last week’s parsha it says that the meilitz, i.e. the translator, was between the brothers and Yosef, and he may have been making mistakes translating from the Hebrew language to the Egyptian one. So Yehuda approached Yosef and held him by the ear and said, “Let your servant speak to you directly in your ear, and don’t tell me you don’t understand the Hebrew language, because if you say this. then you’re implying that Pharaoh doesn’t know this language either, and to say that would be disrespectful to the king.”
I would like to share a different explanation that I once heard from my dear friend and rebbi, Rabbi Shmuel Stauber z”l. R Shmuel was a noted marriage counselor, and he would use one of the methods called Imago Therapy to help couples communicate better.
The main principle that Imago teaches is actually an absolute Torah idea and a must for every type of relationship, whether it’s with a chavrusa, a parent, a child, or especially a husband and wife. The theory is that when a person hears a claim or a comment or whatever it is that the spouse is saying, and the other spouse responds without mirroring and validating the spouse’s statement, then things are bound to blow up and the therapy goes nowhere. Why? Because the person didn’t acknowledge that he/she really digested the words said to him/her, and also because it didn’t give the other person the opportunity to hear himself out. Maybe the accusation or comment actually didn’t make sense or is wrong. Or maybe because the person making the statement just wanted to be heard and acknowledged, and it doesn’t really matter what the reasons are for the spouse’s response.
I personally saw a new world in my marriage when I learned this method, and I have seen it work wonders in many relationships.
R Shmuel pointed out that our parsha is a great source for this idea. Yehuda was teaching us that sometimes when you are having a heated debate back and forth and things are just not getting anywhere, it is best to just stop and review what has been said. This respite benefits you as well as the other person involved, as it allows both parties to see the back and forth reactions from an outside view and it presents an opportunity to remove ourselves somewhat without our ego getting in the way. It also provides more opportunity to hear the person and be willing to say, “Oh, I see your view and it changes my view too.”
by Rabbi Daniel Coren
