“...and I sent [this message] to tell my master; to find favor in your eyes.” (Ber. 32:6)
Yaakov sent messengers to Esav in order to win his favor. Whether it was an appropriate natural effort to avoid confrontation, or perhaps something more than should have been done, is the subject of discussion. Indeed, the Pirkei D’Rabbi Eliezer (ch. 37) says Hashem took Yaakov to task for calling Esav his master and decreed that it would indeed be the case that Esav would rule over Yaakov in this world, until the remnant of Yaakov will cut off the feet of Esav at Mount Seir and bring Hashem’s Shechina back to earth.
We find several times that Yaakov was concerned with the perception of the people around him, such as when Shimon and Levi killed out the city of Shechem for kidnapping and violating their sister Dina. Later, during the famine, Yaakov wanted his sons to go to Egypt for food, lest people around him think his family wasn’t suffering also (they weren’t.)
It seems that Yaakov’s concern for public opinion only went so far, though, as when it came to Esav, he was also prepared for war. When his sons made a point about their sister, he didn’t fight it either, and when his sons initially refused to go to Egypt without Binyamin, Yaakov simply didn’t send them.
Ultimately, Yaakov recognized, as should we, that Hashem is in charge of whatever happens and the opinion of others towards us will be greatly influenced by our spiritual stature. However, we learn something else from Yaakov’s desire for “approval” from others.
Yaakov, as great and powerful as he was, having overcome angels and men, was also extremely humble. He was willing to lower himself if the situation called for it. He didn’t mind calling Esav his master if Esav was appeased by it. It didn’t make it true; it just made Esav feel good and perhaps would avoid conflict. (The Kli Yakar in Devarim 2:3 advises us to hide our successes from Esav and Yishmael to avoid enmity.)
Ironically, Esav’s arrogance hurt him. The Ramban explains that when Yaakov’s messengers arrived at Esav’s feet with the gifts, he refused to acknowledge them. He had no idea these gifts were being offered to him because he was so haughty he would not engage with them to hear the message from Yaakov that he was trying to win Esav’s favor as his master, the very thing Esav wanted more than anything else! What a contrast to his brother, Yaakov, who was in complete control of himself and truly had “everything.”
The lesson we can learn from here is that we don’t always need to win. We don’t need to assert our power and make people do things our way. By being smart and humble, we can vanquish our enemies without firing a single shot.
