Good Spouses
Rabbi Pinchas Winston
Her husband’s heart relies upon her and he shall lack no fortune. (Mishlei 31:11)
In the case of the Avos, there was more to it than this. Avraham knew that he was to be the father of the future Jewish people, and he knew that whomever he would marry was destined to be the mother of the Jewish people, a partner in producing a nation of G- d. That’s why it was so frustrating that Sarah could not have children, and why it was such a joyous occasion when she did.
This is also how the Sages explain Yaakov’s being so direct when he told Lavan to give him his wife so that he could start building his family. “Alright, Yaakov, we all know why you want to get married, but maybe keep it to yourself!” Yaakov’s whole intention was to build the 12 tribes. He did not relate to the more personal and private aspects of marriage. He was totally selfless about his marriage, except that he gave himself over not only to his wives, but also to the future of the Jewish people.
True, we are not Avraham Avinu or Sarah Imeinu, or even Yaakov Avinu or Rachel or Leah, and therefore our marriages and the families we create may seem far less important than those of Biblical times. Nevertheless, we are still meant to learn from their actions and apply them to our lives to the best of our abilities, and that includes imitating at least a little of the single-mindedness they had when it came to building a bayis neeman b’Yisroel.
We are not saying that, in some cases, divorce is not inevitable; sometimes the tikun itself comes from such a sad ending to what started off as a happy relationship. In some cases, divorce seems to be b’shert.
Furthermore, we are not saying that one must become a doormat for the other spouse, for that too can result in a disastrous marriage. What we ARE saying is that when two people get married and they are both committed, sincerely committed to a Torah lifestyle and the path of life that the Torah mandates, then that alone is the basis of a good Jewish marriage. That is the foundation of the bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.
With that devotion comes a certain level of selflessness, without which good marriages lack meaning, and bad marriages become hopeless. It is on the foundation of such a commitment to Torah that a couple can then begin to build upward, adding “floors” to their marital house as the years move on. Some of the bricks in that home may be the result of happy and memorable moments, but often the bricks that count the most are the ones that were formed when one or the other spouse put the happiness of the other one before his or her own.
When this occurs, not only does that spouse break a negative trait (the more he or she does this, the more permanent the change becomes), but it makes the house stronger, and it produces healthier children who will in turn, make good spouses. Furthermore, it becomes a relationship that mirrors that of our ancestors, and it becomes a cornerstone, in its own small way, in the larger bayis that we call Bais Yisroel.
