In Parshas Ki Seitzei we learn about the laws of divorce. The Torah states:כי יקח איש אשה ובעלה והיה אם לא תמצא חן בעיניו כי מצא בה ערות דבר וכתב לה ספר כריתת ונתן בידה ושלחה מביתו - “If a man takes a wife and has relations with her and it comes to pass that she does not find favor in his eyes, he finds an unseemly matter in her. He shall write her a divorce document, place it in her hand and send her out of his house” (Devorim 24:1).
This pasuk would seemingly have the same meaning if it were written exactly as is, except without the word “u’ba-alah” [and has relations with her]. It seems unnecessary, and also uncharacteristic for the Torah to use this expression.
The Torah’s style is normally one of extreme modesty and refinement. The Gemara says that the Chumash hesitates at even using the expression “impure animal” (behemah teme’ah). The Torah “wastes” 8 letters, so to speak, to use the expression “the animal that is not pure” rather than writing the less refined expression “impure animal” (Pesochim 3a). Given this sensitivity for using clean and refined language, why did the Torah find it necessary to add the detail “and has relations with her” to the section dealing with marriage that ends in divorce?
One of the answers that may be given is that the Torah wishes to indicate, perhaps, why the ‘get’ [divorce] came about. Perhaps the parties went into the marriage seeking self-gratification. “If a man will marry a woman and live with her...” This should not be the “shalom aleichem” (opening greeting) to a chapter of marriage. The Torah is trying to hint that marriages that begin with people focusing on their own self-satisfaction and gratification are marriages that are not destined to be long-lasting.
Marriages are successful when two people enter a marriage knowing that they must worry about the ‘We’ rather than the ‘Me’. When they are fixated on the ‘Me’ rather than the ‘We’, the marriage has problems. There is no greater laboratory for ‘tikun hamiddos’ [strengthening of personality traits] than marriage and family life.
When a person is single, he or she can get away with being selfish and self- centred. When that person marries, he or she can no longer get away with such personality defects. It just won’t work. The change in personality might come ‘kicking and screaming’, but if the marriage is going to succeed the change must take place. If the first word in the marriage is “u’ba-alah,” the marriage will not succeed.
R’ Frand relates a comment he heard from Rabbi Dr. A. Twerski. Rabbi Twerski pointed out that of all the berachos recited at a Jewish marriage and during the “week of sheva berachos” there is one berachah that stands out as apparently not directly related to marriage. The very first berachah of the sheva berachos is “Blessed are You, Hashem, our G-d, King of the universe, who has created everything for His glory” (shehakol barah l’chvodo). The chosson is not mentioned. The kallah is not mentioned. Marriage is not mentioned. What is the connection between this berachah and the ceremony at hand?
Rabbi Twerski answers that this berachah is placed first because this is what a Jewish marriage should be all about. If a husband and wife understand from the get-go, from the chuppah, that he should not be in it for himself and she should not be in it for herself, but rather that all is created for the glory of Heaven, then all will be well with this marriage.
Good brings good for the honor of Heaven and bad brings bad for the honor of Heaven. Chosson and kallah, and husband and wife, should always have this measuring stick in front of them throughout their marriage. It simplifies many of the complexities of marriage and many of life’s difficult decisions. This is the most powerful lesson we can teach the chosson and kallah under the chuppah.
