There is a pasuk in Parshas Mishpotim which says as follows:וכי יגוף שור איש את שור רעהו ומת ומכרו את השור החי וחצו את כספו וגם את המת יחצון - “If the ox of a man will gore his fellow man’s ox and it dies they will sell the live ox and split its value and also the dead (ox) shall be split” (Shemos 21:35).
The expression at the beginning of this pasuk,וכי יגוף שור איש את שור רעהו , is normally translated “When a man’s ox will gore his friend’s ox”. However, the Ibn Ezra quotes an interpretation from a certain ‘Ben Zuta’ who offers an alternate translation. Ben Zuta claims that the words “shor re’eyhu” mean the “fellow ox” of the ox who is doing the goring. It is not to be translated as “the ox of his friend” as we commonly translate but rather “the ox gores his friend” – another ox!
The Ibn Ezra minces no words in dismissing the interpretation of Ben Zuta. In his inimitable style he writes “the ox has no ‘friend’ other than Ben Zuta himself!” In other words, anyone who says such an interpretation is a worthy companion to an ox and has no place in the beis hamedrash.
The concept of friendship and the concept of “re’yah” [friend] as in “v’ahavta l’re’yahcha kamocha” [you should love your friend as yourself], only applies to human beings. Friendship is an emotional relationship that reflects an aspect of humanity. Animals can have companions and they can even have mates. But the whole concept of friendship is not applicable to them. Therefore, the Ibn Ezra dismisses the interpretation of Ben Zuta: Do not talk about “friends of animals” – there is no such thing.
Rav Hutner, zt”l, makes the following very interesting observation: The word “re’ya,” which is one of several ways of saying “friend” in Hebrew comes from the same root as the word “teruah” as in “It shall be a day of teruah [blasting] for you” (Bamidbar 29:1) (referring to Rosh Hashanah). The Targum Unkelos on this pasuk translates “yom teruah” as “yom yevava”. “Yom yevava” means a day of moaning, or a day of broken up cries.
That is why the main thrust of the shofar sound is the “shevorim” (the broken wailing sound). There is a question in halachah as to whether the true shevorim is the 3 short sounds we call shevorim or the series of shorter blasts that we call teruah or a combination of both, but whatever its nature, the “shevorim” is the essence of the shofar blowing. The single blast sound (tekiah) that proceeds and follows the “shevorim” merely provides a frame, so to speak, to highlight the essence of the shofar sound – the sobbing cry of shevorim.
Thus, the etymology of teruah, sharing the same root as re’yus [friendship] has the connotation of breaking something up. Rav Hutner says that is why a friend is called re’yah – the purpose of a friend is to “break you up” and to “give you chastisement”. A true friend should stop us in our tracks and give us a kick in the back, when necessary. A friend is not the type of person who always pats us on the back and tells us how great we are, always condoning whatever we do. The purpose of a friend (re’yah), as is the purpose of teruah (shofar blast), is to tell us – sometimes – “you don’t know what you are talking about!”
Obviously, there has to be an overall positive relationship. Someone who is always critical will not remain a friend for very long. A person needs to have a modicum of trust and confidence in someone before he is prepared to hear criticism from him. But the fellow who always slaps us on the back and tells us how great we are is likewise not a true friend. A true friend must be able to stop us and sometimes be able to break us.
In one of the blessings of sheva berachos, we refer to the newlywed couple as being “re’yim ahuvim” [loving friends]. There is a message behind this expression. In order for a chosson-kallah / husband-wife to be “loving friends,” they need to have the capacity to be able to say to each other “this is not the way to do it; this is not the way to act”. Obviously, a relationship in which this is the entire basis of their interaction is not going to fly. But – if one is deserving of it – the type of wife a person will find will be one who will be a “re’yah ahuva” in the full sense of the word “re’yah”.
This is why no ox ever had a “re’yah”. No ox will ever tell its companion ox “It is not right to eat like that” or “You are eating too much” or “You are eating too fast.” A true friend needs to do that.
Similarly, the Netziv says on the pasuk: עזר כנגדו - “A helpmate, opposite him” (Bereishis 2:18) that sometimes in order for a person to be a helper (ezer), the person needs to be an opponent (k’negdo). It should not just be “Honey, you’re great” and “Honey, you are always right.” Sometimes it must be “Honey, you are an idiot!” This is a true instance of “re’yim ahuvim”.
May we all merit having such true friendship between ourselves and our companions and between ourselves and our spouses. (R’ Frand)
In Parshas Vayeishev we have the story of Yehuda and Tamar. Before having relations with Tamar, Yehuda promised to send her a young goat from his flock as payment. Tamar insisted that he leave three valuable personal items with her as collateral, which she would return upon receipt of her compensation. Yehuda then sent a goat with his friend Chirah the Adullamite to give to Tamar as promised and retrieve his deposit, but he was unable to find her. After unsuccessfully asking others about her whereabouts, Chirah returned to Yehuda, who decided to let Tamar keep his items to avoid the humiliation that would result if his actions became publicized through further inquiries.
Although none of us would ever find ourselves in Yehuda’s situation, if we try to put ourselves in his shoes, we would expect him to deliver the payment himself rather than approaching a friend for assistance, which would necessitate explaining to him the indelicate circumstances behind the request. No matter how close a person feels to someone else, he will not feel comfortable informing him that he consorted with a harlot and needs help recovering his pledge. Why wasn’t Yehuda afraid to tell Chirah what he had done?
Rav Shimon Schwab notes that the Torah stresses that Yehuda sent the goat with רעהו העדלמי – “his friend the Adullamite”. The Torah is revealing to us that the definition of a true friend is somebody to whom we can confess our most embarrassing moments and greatest mistakes without fear of being judged and condemned.
The Mishnah (Avos 1:6) advises, “Acquire a friend for yourself.” In his commentary on this Mishnah, the Rambam writes that a person should seek a confidant that he can completely trust and from whom he does not need to hide any part of himself. He should feel safe sharing his entire life with his friend, both the good and the bad, without worrying that he will divulge his secrets or stop being his friend. Indeed, the Biblical word for a friend (רע) can also mean evil, hinting that a real friend is one to whom we can disclose our flaws and failures knowing that he will continue to be there for us.
Extending this concept to marriage, the fifth blessing recited during sheva berachos begins: עדן מקדם מקדם שמח תשמח רעים האהובים כשמחך יצירך בגן – “Grant abundant joy to the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creation (Adam) in the Garden of Eden of old.” Why do we specifically describe the chosson and kallah as רעים האהובים? We are giving them a berachah that they should become רעים in the sense that they can tell each other their foibles and failures like Yehuda and Chirah, knowing that they will be accepted and respected through thick and thin, as true friends do for one another. (R’ Ozer Alport)
