Firstly, when I compare my situation now to when I first transferred to the USA, I can’t say enough how thankful I have to be to the Eibishter for His infinite and endless chasodim, אילו פינו מלא שירה כים ולשוננו רינה כהמון אין...גליו אנו מספיקים להודות ...! Although I still face my challenges and setbacks, I am so much better off than I was, and so much more functional and self-sufficient.
Specifically, I have reached a few milestones recently: BH with the brochos of the Rebbe and great Nissim (especially by the border...), I finally managed to make it back to Toronto, to give shiurim and farbrengens to the bochurim in person (poor bochurim...). Although it was only for a week, before I had to return for more appointments, it will hopefully be a good hascholo that will become more and more.
For the yahrtzeit of my father a”h, I was able to daven shacharis for the amud in 770 BH, which was a milestone in more ways than one.
Yesterday, I was able to participate BH in the chasuna that my brother Rabbi Noam made, in the chupa and a bit of the dancing. Although I wasn’t there very long, it was something that couldn’t have been considered not long ago. And I have been able to give many shiurim by zoom lately, and managed to write down quite a few of them (not to mention finally managing to write an email...). For Pesach the plan is for my entire family to be together by my son Rabbi Yitzchok in Richmond California (poor Yitzchok...), which will be another big trip and big undertaking.
I also am just finishing my second bout with Covid, which was נכנס בשלום ויצא בשלו ' BH, and which was also a great brocho, because, with all the travels planned, I now don’t need to be worried or paranoid about exposure to Covid (as my oncologist told me – ‘for the next few months you can basically consider yourself immune’).
הודו 'לה כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו
I am still undergoing my new treatment, I had my latest one yesterday (and gave my doctor shmura matza BH), and each one has its days of side effects etc.... and I will have my next after Pesach IYH, after which I will undergo extensive scans and tests which hopefully bring us much positive news.
The main issue that I was dealing with, for some time, was the damage that the disease was causing to my spine. Already in Toronto I had to undergo radiation treatment to kill the tumors that spread to the bones of the spine, followed by a procedure called a kyphoplasty, to put cement into the vertebrae, to repair some of the damage. In New York there was further spreading to the spine, necessitating further radiation. Each time the damage to the bones of the spine were to such an extent that the bones compressed, and I actually lost some of my height (I have to mention this, because anyone who didn’t see me in a while shouldn’t be surprised, when they see me, that I’m no longer 6.11....). Based on my measurements yesterday, I seem to have lost altogether about 3 inches, so I guess in the area of an inch and a half each time. I guess when I finish my treatment, and I get back a full head of hair, I’ll also get my height restored...
All this is connected to the parsha of this week. The metzorah, to become purified, needs to bring an עץ ארז ושני תולעת ואזוב. Rashi teaches us that this is because the root of his problem is his gasus horuach, his unjustified arrogance. His cure and remedy, therefore, is to humiliate himself, to diminish himself (like the שני תולעת ואזוב). So, clearly part of my cure and remedy was to get off of my high horse and to lower myself, in the most literal and practical sense.
In addition, the damage to my bones resulted in my bones being pushed out of place, until they are actually touching my spinal chord. The spinal chord is the message system between the brain and the rest of the body, and its health is of primary importance, so this is obviously something that they are very closely monitoring.
Once again, the message is clear and unmistakable. The Alter Rebbe teaches us (in Likutei Torah) that the spine represents davening. The 248 mitzvos are represented by specific limbs, ח"רמ פיקודין ח"רמ איברים דמלכא. But davening is not included in them. Davening is represented by the spine, the חוט השדרה (as Chazal teach us, that the 18 brochos in shmoneh esreh correspond with the 18 vertebrae of the spine). Just as with the body, the spine is not one of the 248 limbs, but the health and welfare of all of the limbs is dependent on the spine (and, ch”v נפסק חוט השדרה ...), so, too, in avodas Hashem, the mitzvos are the individual limbs, but מצוות צריכות כוונה, the pnimiyus of the mitzvos is the kavonoh the focus on attachment to the Eibishter which is during davening (as chassidus explains, the root of the word tefilah is הטופל כלי חרס, - attachment).
So, the damage and danger to my spine is an unmistakable message that my davening needs to be corrected and improved! And, as I have in the past, I am going to once again turn to all of you and each of you for your help. As I have seen and continue to see most clearly with asher yotzar and hamapil – a bit of improved avodas Hashem is more powerful and potent than all of the doctors and treatments and medications in the world!
So, I’d like to turn to all of you and each of you to do a little to help my spinal health. Specifically, give some more time and attention to your davening. A few extra moments spent on davening will go a very long way (I know there is still room for improvement here by some people – when I davened for the amud in 770 I was (unfortunately) rushing through shacharis, being afraid of losing my minyan, but the minyan that started 15 minutes after mine still seemingly managed to finish before me).
I gave some examples in the first half of the email. And, everyone can find their own areas and means of how to improve their davening. But with a little bit of effort you will start seeing results.
Do it for me, or do it for yourself. Do it for the Eibishter. Do for your (last minute) hachonos for yud aleph Nissan. But start today, to work a bit more on your avodas hatefilah, both in the kamus and on the eichus. And may the improved and increased good health of the spine, the chut hashedra, bring improved and increased good health to all of the individual limbs, in ruchnyus and in gashmyus and in every single area, בני חיי ומזוני רויחי ובכולם רויחי, and increased good health to the entire world, וראו כל בשר יחדיו כי פי 'ה ,דבר והיתה 'לה המלוכה!
L’chaim! As we enter the final days of preparation for the auspicious day of Yud aleph Nissan, the culmination of 120 years of the neshomo of the Rebbe illuminating the world, let us take this opportunity to strengthen our hiskashrus, both in the areas of the hand and of the head, and to rededicate ourselves to the Rebbe’s guidance and teaching, and may we commemorate this day together with the Rebbe, with the immediate hisgalus of Melech haMoshiach TUMYM!!!
Rabbi Akiva Wagner
p.s. I am including as separate attachments some of the shiurim and other things I was working on recently that are connected with Pesach, hoping some of you will find interest in some of them (or at least find something you can opshlog...).
בטוב ס"וכט הנכונה בריאות מתוך ט"ואויוש ק"ורפו ש"לרפו פראדל נעכא בת יהודית לאה 'חי מרת לזכות !ג"הנוהנ !ג"הנרוהנ בטוב ס"וכט הנכונה בריאות מתוך ט"לאויוש ,'שי מרים בן ב"שד לזכות !ט"ואויוש הנכונה ובריאות ש"לרפו ,נעכע לאה בן 'שי שלמה יעקב 'ר לזכות !ממש ממש י"תומ ק"ורפו ש"לרפו ,לרפואה הזקוקים וכל ישראל חולי שאר כלל בתוך א"שליט מ"מ ר"הר – א"יבלחט – בן אברהם ראובן 'ה בצבאות החיל השליח נ"ולעי לזכר א"שליט מרדכי 'ר – א"יבלחט – בן ה"ע פייוועל יעקב מאיר 'הת נ"לעי הכהן זעליג יהושע ר"ב מ"מ 'ר ת"והרה ח"הרה נ"לעי אראנאוו ה"ע גאלדא הרבנית רעייתו נ"לעי ה"ע ר"שד הלוי דוד שמואל מנחם 'ר בן שמעון 'ר השליח נ"לעי .והשלימה האמיתית הגאולה את ממש י"תומ להחיש שמה שישתדלו ,לאחרונה לעולמם שהלכו אלו כל נ"ולעי
